A Convincing Formula : Rev + Fr + God + Win

From Rev Fr John Godwin
Director Special Duties, United Nations Organization
In Conjunction with the International Monetary Fund
World Bank Fact-Finding & Special Duties Office
London, Great Britain.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

IMMEDIATE PAYMENT FOR CONTRACT #.MAV/UNO/WBO/LM-05-371

**#.UNO/WBO LM-05-371**
**ORDERING CONTRACTOR**
"UNO/WBO" ¨C SG

To the Beneficiary,

The World Bank Group, in conjunction with the United Nations Organization, hereby receive your payment with reference number #.MAV/UNO/WBO/LM-05-371 amounting to US$ 12,000,000.00 (Twelve Million United State Dollars). From the records of outstanding contractors due for payment with the United Nations Organization your company is next on the list of outstanding contractors who are to receive their payments. According to information gathered from the UNO's human resource database we were notified that your payment is ready to be transferred to your account and i therefore wish to inform you that your payment is being processed and will be released to you as soon as you respond to this letter.

Please re-confirm to me if this is inline with what you have in your record and also re-confirm to me the following:

(1) Your Full Name:

(2) Phone, Fax and Mobile Number:

(3) Company Name, Address and Position:

(4) Profession, Age and Marital status.

As soon as this information is received, your payment will be processed and transfer will be made into your account immediately from the international fund remittance department. For more information and clarifications do not hesitate to reach me either via my Email address, Telephone or Fax as soon as you receive this notice.

Congratulations.

Best Regards,

Rev Fr John Godwin
Tel: +44-701-1128-380
Fax: +44-700-5976-560
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Dear Rev. Fr. John Godwin,

What is a Holy Father like you doing to be in charge of so much $$$.? Shouldn't you be busy looking after your flock of sheep and emulate the good Lord Himself?

You are surely clever with the play of words. Even your surname has "God" in it, and further the word "win." Makes it very convincing psychologically to your readers as the word "win" is reinforcing.

In our little nation of Sing Kam Poor, we have the highest rate of lightning strikes in the world. Perhaps it is easier to be struck by lighting than to strike your lucky prize of so many millions of dollars! Please be informed that although my people are poor, they are a happy and contented lot. They do not envy others for their wealth and they do not covet what does not rightfully belong to them. Hence my people will not easily accept your offer of cash because they have not done anything to deserve this immediate payment. Remember, God loves accurate weighing scales.

Please be warned that in Sing Kam Poor, the laws are very strict. Con men, drug traffickers and rapists are given the cane and imprisonment. Don't you dare try your tricks in our little country. We will not hesitate to put you behind bars.

Her Royal Highness,

Queen LynnKamchooribuktu
The Republic of Sing Kam Poor.

A Colorful Country with Colorful Asspressions!

What an interesting country we live in! Singapore is a melting pot of different races from all walks of life. Now with our government intending to increase the population to 6 million in the near future, we expect our little pot to be bubbling with more interesting expressions, not "asspressions"!

Yet, our expressions can become "asspressions" if we misunderstand the real meaning for which they are intended or choose to interpret them wrongly out of context. This is clearly seen in the recent interrogation of the family that was checking out of Changi Airport for a week's vacation. For the benefit of my overseas readers and those who missed the news, I will summarise the incident.

Sandra was asked to remove her boots which she did. Later when her daughter saw her putting on her boots she asked the mother and Sandra explained that the Airport Authorities were afraid there might be a bomb inside. An officer heard her and detained her because she had mentioned the word "bomb". More police personnel were called in until the family had to miss the flight. A mountain was made out of a molehill just because the officers had acted according to the books. Sigh!!! The failure of the educational system! Students in the past used to memorise without understanding what they had learnt!!! Some passed with 8 distinctions but could not even differentiate between a harmless family going on vacation and would-be terrorists! Heard the word "bomb" ... arrest!

The above incident had created a furore of excitement and it was posted in www.tomorrow.sg and there were many comments from readers.

I would like to copy from one "Annonymous Coward" and my two replies.

Passenger 1 : I think I need to bomb (meaning a visit to the loo for major "business").

Security : (overheard passenger and start getting all tense up)

Passenger 2 : huh... how long you gonna take?

Passenger 1 : Dunno, it's gonna be a huge bombing session. (and heads to the loo)

Security : HEY YOU! Hold it there, you said "Bomb" twice and the second time, a huge bombing session. I am gonna arrest you for suspect terrorisim act.

Passenger 1 : (puzzled) Whatever for??? I am going to the loo to bomb.

Security : TO THE LOO?? You gonna bomb the LOO?? I am gonna stop you, I shall arrest you NOW, right this moment!!

Passenger 1 & 2 : Siow! (Mad) (and walk away heading to the loo)

Security : Hey! HEY! Dun run... freeze there!! I said freeze!! (and gets into a panic disorder, ram into a pillar, stomping feet on ground) COME BACK HERE! I WANT TO ARREST YOU!!!!!

Posted by Anonymous Coward* on 9 April, 2007 - 5:58am
reply to this comment

Ha! Ha! Ha! Very, very funny lah Annonymous Coward. Old Aunty is learning new experessions evely day lah!

While out viewing a boutique hotel with two colleagues, I learnt a new phrase when Calvin said "I'm going to karaoke." I really thought there was some karaoke at lunch time! Only found out that he meant "xiao pian or wee wee". What a cute and apt description.! I guess it is safer than "I need to bomb". What a colorful country we live in with multiple languages spoken by different races. Best of all, we can learn to speak each other's language. Once an overseas client looked at me in surprise, "Don't you get all your languages mixed up?" Most of us don't except for some "dumb and dumberer" officers who are overly paranoid over the 4 letter word of "BOMB'!

Posted by Ganchau on 10 April, 2007 - 12:02am
edit your comment | reply to this comment


I wonder what will happen if what the blogger said was words like "DIE", "Death", "Nuclear", "War"... That Siva-dunno-what probably will go nuts and tear her clothes off then shoot herself in the head.

Posted by Anonymous Coward* on 9 April, 2007 - 5:44am
reply to this comment

Remember, if you happen to have a friend by the name of Jack, don't ever greet him "Hi Jack!!!" at the airport. You might end up in jail lah. Worse.... longer sentence if your voice is loud and enthusiastic. Never mind that you have not seen your friend, Jack, for a long, long time. Never mind, that it spells of terror when you have these two words linked together.

Gosh.... I am a natural microphone....as a trained teacher, am naturally loud. Sh...sh..sh...

Posted by Ganchau on 9 April, 2007 - 2:53pm
edit your comment | reply to this comment

Perhaps it would be interesting if someone could compile a book on the different expressions used in our colorful country. Or perhaps a book on "Asspressions"....?

Gan Chau

Restless Fingers

When I was watching, "Making Miracles" on TV, I laughed when I saw Fann Wong's less than school-girl-like hairstyle. It looked like her hairstylist must have woken up from a bout of heavy drinking, and just snipped off her hair in half-drunken stupor. Horror upon horrors - to find out that it was the popular hairstylist, David Gan, who did her hair!!! I read in the papers that many fans protested against the ugly haircut even as David defended himself and gave tons of rationale for his choice of this hairstyle for a successful young doctor, Su Yan as portrayed by Fann.

Fann's hairstyle made me smile each time as I recalled how I had snipped the fringe of my playmate, Ah Sim. I had also snipped the hair of another playmate, Ah Hoo. Mother still remembered how she wavered between tears and and laughter as Ah Hoo's grandmother brought him to our house, demanding an explanation as to how her grandson ended up with his hairs snipped long and short by me!! Henceforth, my family would hide all scissors away from me.

Once, armed with a pair of scissors, I also cut our pet dog's hair. Nothing wrong with that, except that when it was done by a six year old kid, the result was abominable! Poor dog! It should have gone around barking and protesting that his doggy furs looked really awful!

I also got hold of my aunt's pair of beaded Peranakan shoes, and decided to cut off the flaps that covered her feet. Wondering why my cousin's synthetic comb looked so strong and lasting, I decided to snip off the teeth!!

In the bus, I used to absent mindedly tear my bus tickets to shreds so much so that when the inspectors checked my tickets, they could hardly read the print! I am glad that we now have plastic link cards.

Now I can look back and smile. I am glad I have outgrown my less than desirable childhood habits. Is any of my readers like me with "itchy hands"? Come on, please share.

Gan Chau