Sunday, August 02, 2009

Classic Court Disorders

These are from a book called Disorder in the Court, and are things people
actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court
reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were
actually taking place. Have a great day ahead.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me?

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh... I was getting laid!

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to
rephrase that?

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p. m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy on him.

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh.... are you qualified to ask that question?

--- And the best for last: ---

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
the autopsy?
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing

The above was forwarded to me by a toastmaster, Fernando. He received it from another toastmaster, Pradeep.

I laughed so hard when I read the above email. I wish to also share an anecdote with my readers.

I used to work as a legal secretary in Penang. My boss, Miss Pamela Ong, wife of the late Lim Kean Siew, is a brilliant lawyer who specialised in divorce cases. The law firm handled the bulk of all the divorce cases in Penang at that time. In those days, I had to use Pitman's shorthand and typing with a manual typewriter for my rather demanding work.

One day, two ladies came to see Miss Ong about divorce matters. My boss is a very bright lady who speaks quite fast and she expects precise answers to her precise questions. The younger lady was quite nervous. Readers must remember that three decades ago, divorce was a taboo.

"How are you going to court? You gave all the wrong answers! The judge will throw your case out of the window", my boss was getting impatient with the confused lady.

"Oh! Please pardon my daughter, Miss Ong. She is not used to divorce matters".

"Who on earth is used to divorce matters?", my boss raised her eyes with exasperation.

I could not control myself and burst out laughing. Suddenly my boss and the two ladies turned their attention to me. Somehow my booming laughter must have caused the walls to shake and the floor to rumble, and reduced the tenseness of the atmosphere.

After the two ladies left, my boss said to me, "Choo, I know some of these clients are quite funny and sometimes ridiculous, but you must learn to control yourself and not to laugh."

Now my readers know why I am nicely-rounded. My tummy is filled with joyous air of laughter.

Gan Chau


submarine said...

This is very funny!

KoSong Cafe said...

Pamela Ong rings a bell but I can't remember where I have come across her name mentioned in the papers about Penang.

I still can't get over how PG Lim (Lim Kean Siew's sister)personally witnessed my wife's late sister's will! Long story.

Being a secretary for a legal firm must be excellent training ground for precision in English and word perfection. But the standard in legal firms has dropped a lot in recent years. Even some lawyers are not really good enough in English!

Besides piano and violin, what other instruments do you play? I have this childhood attraction to piano music because it used to be played in rich homes where I used to pass by. Violin has its attraction too. Drums seem unsuitable to jam with, perhaps simple bass lines I might be able to play some. So, your place or mine?